I had a lot of annoyance these last 2 years with the writing that I did for my stories. I had no clue what was annoying me so much when I was writing down my stuff. I was writing down something and than a half a hour later I just wanted to delete the entire thing that I had spend hours to write down. My mind was on total lock down, everything when down on pure instinct and I could not formulate what was annoying the crap out of me. Thank to a friend however, I had found out my own writer's bottleneck.
Every time I was attempting to write down a symbioses or a story I notice that I had added way too many details and ideas. And on the moment I wasn't doing that I felt like I was not explaining enough.
This obsession for details, ideas and over-explaining has started to irritate me quite a bit. I had written down half a page and I was so annoyed that I just wanted to deleted it and start all over again.
The funny thing, was that for the last 2 years, I got irritated by this on instinct and I could not for some weird reason explain my irritations to others around me. It was almost like my mind was on lock down. It was only after a friend of mine reviewed the stuff that I had written on my laptop that I could finally formulate that was annoying me so much.
I had started to think a bit about this and I guess this is the issue that every beginning writer deals with. You write down something and you desire that story you had written down to have some sort of godlike value and greatness, you think that you write down something that is so great and awesome that one page might blow the readers away. You stack up idea after idea, writing down story after story hoping that you had written down the one story that everyone wants to read. You keep writing, rewriting, deleting and writing only than to start thinking : "This sucks. This isn't good enough. My ideas sucks. No noes, someone had already had this idea I was about to write. Etc, etc."
It was coming to a point that I almost when psychotic.
I had started to think about this today and I came to the conclusion that all of this obsession came out of the fear of the political correct critics and trolls. I was fighting a fight that wasn't there, living in fear because of the stupid culture wars!! I was fearing the lynch mobs and yet there was no lynch mob that was coming after me. Hell, what reason did they had anyway? I mean, there was nothing they could had targeted and even when they did I should not had cared... But I did cared and I found out that it has cost me my creativity. The inner critic can be a horrible master and yet for some reason I had grown the fear the internet, the place where I wanted to ask for feedback. It is strange that something that was so far away from the hobby that I was spending time, love and energy on could had such a negative effect on me...
I always knew I had a low self-esteem, But now it seems that I had reach the button. I started to think about this, how on the earth I could crawl out of this pit and start writing something that is a story without having to change the entire storyline week after week?
After some thought I had decided to sit down and meditate on the thoughts first. I hope I can come to a solution to this.
thanks for reading.